Tuesday, January 12, 2016

1+1+1=3

I'm scared to meet new people. Typically, after introductions these questions follow:  

"Do you have children?"

"How many?"

"How old are they?"

Most people aren't prepared for my answer and, as a mother who has lost a child, these interactions can become uncomfortable and strained when they learn about our daughter Ava Grace.

Recently, I was in Starbucks grabbing a coffee and the barista asked me what I had going on that night. I told her my hubby and I were headed out on a much needed date.

Her next question was, "Oh! Do you have kids?"

“Yes.”

“How many?”

"Two boys.”

“How old are they?”

“5 years and 10 months."

I felt like vomiting after those words tumbled out. When I got back into the car, I burst into tears and told David.

It was the first time since Ava died that I flat out lied. 

How could I deny the acknowledgement of her short, but precious life inside my womb?

I was afraid of the barista’s response. I valued her and my own comfort more than the acknowledgement that my daughter will always be a part of our lives. I assumed she would be like so many others... that she would give me the uncomfortable silence or awkward response that so often happens after this painful truth is revealed.

* I carried Ava for 18 weeks in my womb and felt her little kicks and movements.
* We have her precious footprints - the size of David's thumbnail.
* Her ashes fit in a tiny urn smaller than my fist. 


In two days, it will mark the two year anniversary of Ava's death. January 14, 2014. Her "angelversary" as grieving parents call it... There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her.

The days in January and June are the hardest - those months my heart aches the most.

January is when I lost her and mourn her death.

And in June, I mourn for her and all the things she could have been.

Last week in my child loss support group, we talked about the fact that we take comfort in knowing our children are with their Heavenly Father, but that comfort doesn’t mean that we miss them any less. 

I'm still scared to meet new people, but I resolved that night to never deny the existence of Ava again.

1+1+1=3

Nothing will ever change that.