Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Sudden Loss (Part 1)

On Tuesday January 14th, I went to meet with a perinatologist to discuss my pregnancy. They had called me earlier that week to notify me that I was considered a  'high risk' due to my Behcet's Disease and recent diagnosis of superficial venous thrombosis in my right leg. An appointment to discuss my leg issues and treatment options were in order they said. On the drive over to my appointment,  I was talking to my friend on the phone.
 "I'll be praying for you, but don't worry too much. Many women have high risk pregnancies and their babies turn out just fine" she said.
I laughed and responded, " Oh, I am not worried about our baby -our baby is just fine. I'm more concerned about my doctors putting me on bed rest due to my leg issues and then not able to chase after Gideon!"  As I hung up the phone, I thought happily to myself....I am 18 weeks along, I have felt our baby fluttering, and I am still throwing up everyday due to morning sickness -our babe is doing great.
Forty five minutes later, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  I couldn't breathe and I looked at the technician with astonishment. No heartbeat??!! Was this some sort of PUNKED show with Ashton Kutcher in where they decided to play pranks on average day people instead of celebrities? Some sort of nasty practical joke - a candid camera episode gone wrong? Clearly the technician needed to get her eyes checked. There was NO FREAKING way that she couldn't find a heartbeat. I peered at the screen hoping to see the strong heartbeat we had seen just four weeks before. I had felt our baby fluttering and had thrown up in the bathroom right before going into my appointment. How could this be?!?!
"I'm so sorry. I will give you and your husband some time to yourself." the nurse said quietly and solemnly as she shut the door behind her. My husband and I looked at each other in disbelief. There are no words to describe the absolute devastation that a mother feels when she realizes her baby is dead inside of her. To attempt to describe in words would be futile.

 "There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms." - Charlotte Bronte